Poor Arun Nayar. Liz Hurley's close friend has recently been a victim, live on American TV, of the Just Gay Enough backlash. One the basis of his coiffed hair and nicely turned-out appearance, he was accused on Comedy Central Roast of being homosexual. You had to gasp in amazement. Besides the spectacle of open homphobia on primetime TV, isn't a man who is in touch with his femininte side the ultimate in desirabilty?

You may remember that a while back the American magaizine Talk identified a new breed of male it called "just gay enough". JGE man was more user-friendly than his predecessor, New Man, who had turned out to be a bit of a sap. The JGE type would succeed where New Man had failed, or so the theory went, because he instinctively knew how to toe the line between sensitivity and sissiness. He was hygiene-conscious, but not to the point of waxing, would watch Titanic but not if it meant missing a World Cup qualifier,. He was in short, just gay enough, and all our problems were solved.

Well, that was then. We've given it some more thought, and now we've changed our minds. It turns out that JGE man was, in fact, slightly too gay, and we regret the haste with which we vetoed those all-male characteristics that makes blokes more attractive than our girlfriends. In hindsight, we realise that the ideal man is not striving to be more like a woman, he's loitering provocatively, legs astride the macho boundary - hence Nayar being attacked for the JGE offence of out-and-proud grooming.

So it's official: The type most likely to succeed with womien in the Noughties is not Just Gay Enough, he's Just Macho Enough. For those of you who are confused, here's the list of things that make him JME.

1) Must be able to park well and swiftly. A drive with a bad aim can put a girl off (arm over back of passenger seat is good).

2) Must have bigger feet than you (and should, ideally weigh more than you, and be more hirsute). The ultimate passion-killer is fear that when your hairy calves collide, yours will be the winners.

3) Must be able to drink. Not like Oliver Reed, but more than you. The woman who has to give her man a fireman's lift home after they've shared a bottle of chablis is a woman with a problem.

4) Must have ability to play some sport, and not be one of the fussy ones who's always moaning about being unfairly tackled. Must not wear hair band for said sport.

5) Must be relaxed about the acquiring of minor cuts and bruises. The man who jabs himself with the oyster knife and has to hand responsibility to you and sit with his digits wrapped in a tea towel is no aphrodisiac. Using teeth to open a beer bottle is also good.

6) Does not have to be very handy, but must be ready to have a crack at DIY and prepared to get filthy in the process, eschewing masks, gloves and all sensible protective clothing. Must also get into that trance-like state occasionally when completely absorbed by nuts and bolts and diagrams (boring, yet weirdly sexy).

7) Must not be tidy. Show me the man who likes sex, yet must also have his spice rack/CD collection in perfect order. Being excessively well-ironed and particular about the interior of his car are other giveaways.

8) Must like your dirt, blowsy girlfriends and fancy them a bit, not just the girls with glossy lips and no pubic hair (see 7).

9) Must be laddish about cooking. Does not mean he has to hop around shouting "pukka" and "lovely jubbly", but must create in a spirit of spontaneous chaos rather than fuss about with timers, aprons, and bains-marie. Also, on no account must he have special dietary needs: the man who tells you he has a wheat intolerance is the man who will also get a rash on holiday and a nasty blister carrying your suitcase.

10) Must be oblivious to the importance of his haircut and prepared to let his eight-year-old niece have a go, and should not own any of the following: Nehru-collared jacket, concealer, hairdryer (nor have any interest in borrowing yours), any white or mauve leather accessories, cashmere socks, Tod's, slippers, or umbrella.

11) Must have at least three close male friends with whim he disappears occasionally. A man who never needs to see his mates is on the fast track to becoming Grant Bovey.

12) Must be oblivious to the weather, within reason, and liable to go out in a T-shirt during snowstorms unless challenged. (The three least sexy articles in circulation are the umbrella, the mackintosh and gloves - unless they're for his Harley.)

13) Should be very interested in your underwear, and not remotely in his own. Also, must not have self-conscious pants such as designer-brand, cotton-stretch shortlets.

14) Must enjoy travel and not be intimidated by waiters.

15) Must wash hair in bath, never with shower attachment, and make terrible mess.

If you're wondering what would qualify as "too macho", there's leaving his socks down the side of the sofa, and starting sentences with "she must have her period". You'll get the hang of it.

Copyright Sunday Times 07/09/2003, Shane Watson, any damn fool who wants it, usual disclaimers apply, I've just copied this because I like it, etc.